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附录一 What I Believe1（第2页）

Mymother，ayseiherhouseholdexpeedonpayileastthricebetterthauitionfee，osilverdollarsayear.Shepaidsixdollarsfromthebeginningagraduallyto12.Fromthisinsignifithefee，Iderivedbehousaerthaiostatedabovepossiblyihetilmerelyreadaloudaedbyheart，aeaevertookthetroubletoexplaintohimthemeaningofthewordsmemorized.Ialone，becauseoftheadditioherareprivilegeofhavingeverywordahereadingsexplaiis，trahedeadlahecolloquialdialect.

BeforeIwas8yearsold，Icouldreadwithverylittleassistahesuggestioher，myteachermademereadTheGeneralMirrover，whirealityageoryofologipiledbythegreathistorianSsu-maKuangintheyear1084A.D.ThishistiedmegreatlyandIsoonbegan，asanaidtomemory，topilearhymedsummaryofthedynasties，emperors，andologicaleras.

Thenonedayinaerboxinmyuncle’shouseIatornvolumeofapartofthegreatnovelShuiHu（TheHundredaHeroesofLiang-shahroughwhilestandingbythebox.IranaboutthevillageandsoonfoundapletesetofthehattimeonIdevouredeverynovelknowninourunityandinthenear-byvillages.Theywerewritteninthepeihua，orspokenlanguage，aelligibleandabslyeaimelife，foodandforevil，aerarymediumwhichyearslaterewhathasbeeheLiteraryRenaissana.

Iime，myreligiouslifeuacuriouscrisis.IwasbroughtupinanidolatrouseandaedtotheuglyandfiercefacesofthegodsandtothefolkversionsofHeavenandHell.asaloudTheElementaryLessonofChuHsi，whichIhadmemorizedwithoutmuderstanding.IapassagewheretheRationalistphilosopherquotedthehistorianSsu-maKuanginanattathepopularbeliefinHeavehequotationreads:“Whenthebodyhasdecayed，thespiritfadesaway.EveniftherebesuchcrueltorturesinHellasg，Burning，Pounding，andGrindihesetobeihissoundedlikegaodoubttheideaofjudgmeh.

Shortlyafterward，IwasreadingSsu-maKuaoryandapassageinits136thchapterwhichmademeahepassageiellsofaphilosopherofthefifthturyA.D.namedFanpioheoryofthedestructibilityofthespiritainstthewholeImperialCourt，atronizingMahāyānaBuddhism.Fan’sviewwassummedupbySsu-maKuanginthesewords:“Thebodyisthematerialbasisofthespirit，aisoionihespiritistothebodyoasharpknife.Wehaveheexistenceofsharphedestruoftheknife.Howweadmitthesurvivalofthespiritwhenthebodyisgone?”

ThiswasmhreasoningthanSsu-maKuahespiritfadesawaywhenthebodyhasdecayed，atheorywhichstilladmitsthespiritassomething.Fandamehespiritasaisonlyafungofthebody.Thissimplifipleasedmyboyishmindanditgladdeoreadthat“Althoughthewholedtrywereagainsthim，noonesurefutinghim.”

Inthesamepassage，FanwasquotedasbeiheBuddhistdoa，orthecausalthroughoutthevariousexistealkingtothePring-ling，whosaidtohim:“IfyoudonotbelieveinKarma，holainthedifferentstatesofoverty，ofhonorandlowliness?”

Fanreplied:“Humanlifemaybelikeheflowersohentheflowers，ofwhishtbythesdscatteredoifullydeatsands，whileothersareblowhefenddroppedonthedung-heap.YourLordshipisohoseflowersonthes，andI，yourhumbleservaobeonthedung-hill.Thereisthediffereiohecausal?”

&rineofKarmaisoiialideafromIndiathathavebeeaofesethoughtaheaesemoralistshadtaughtthatgoodnessardedandevilpuinreallife，thisisnotalwaystrue.TheBuddhistdoahastheadvaheeseideaofretributioninthatitalwaysevadetheissuebyreferrieuityofthecausalthroughoutpastaences.

ButFan’sfigureofspeechappealedtomyyouthfulfaneoutoftheismofKarma.ItwasceversusDeterminism.And，asaboyof11，Itookthedrevoltedagaiherehisticatedreasoningonmypartinthosedaysofmyboyhood.Itwasmeretemperamentalattradrepulsion.Iwasmyfather’sson，andSsu-maKuangaedme.That>

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Butthismentalcrisiswasnotwithoutitsisequenmyearlylife.Duringtheivalof1903，Ipaidavisittomyeldestsister，wholived20liaeherhomeIreturhherson，whowasingtopayhistomymother.AservantofhiswasgtheNeresentsforhim.Onourwayhomewepassedashrihuglyandfierggods.Istoppedandsaidtomynephew:“Nobodyiswatg.Let’sthrowtheseimagesintothemudpool.”

Mychildishigreatlyhorrifiedmypanions，whopersuadedmetomoveonwiththealreadytdeities.

ItwasthedayoftheLahefifteenthofthefirsmonth）.Whenwearrived，thereweremanyvisitorsatmyhouse.Iwashungryand，whensupperwasserved，mynephewmademedrinkacupriewhichplayedhavocwithmyemptystomach.Iwassaboutthecourtyardandshoutioedowerival.Mymotherleasedachme.Irahemaofwineworkedmorerapidlywithmyrunning.Iwasfinallcaught，butIstruggledtogetaway.Mymotherheldmetightonherlapandmaheredaroundus.

Inmyfright，Ibegantotalkhenmynepheedforeredtomymother:“Madame，Ibelievethatthelittleuncleisbesidehimself.Verylikelysomegodorspiritistroublinghim.ThisafternooheShries，heproposedtodsintothemuddypool.Thatmusthavecausedthetrouble.”

Ioverheardthewhisperandabrightideae.Ishoutedallthemorewildly，asifIwereaeofthegodsoftheShries.Mymotherthenorderediobeburheopenand，pleadingmyyouthfulignorandirresponsibility，madeavowtooffersacrificesattheshrineshouldmyioffensebefivbythegods.

AtthatmomecamethattheLanternProroadthepeopleinourhouserushedouttoseeit.Mymotheraalone.Isoonfellasleep.Thevoarentlyworked.Ohlater，whenmymotherandIvisitedmygras，shemademeoffer，iy，ourpromisedsacrificesattheShries

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Earlyinmy13thyear（1904），Ilefthomeona7-dayjouroseeka“ion”

inShanghai.Afterthatseparatioheroimesahheraltogetherabout7monthsireatloveformeshesehoutappareear，aoseekmyowioiworldallalonearmedonlywithamother’slove，ahabitofstudy，andalittleteodoubt.

&6yearsinShanghai（1904–1910）and7yearsinAmerica（1910–1917）.DuringmystayinShahroughthreesoneofwhichwasamissionaryschool）withfromany.Istudiedtherudimentsofwhatwasthenknownas“theion，”

gchieflyraphy，English，mathematiegleaningsofnaturalsce.ThroughthefreetranslatioeMr.LinShuandothers，ImademyfirstacewithanumberofEnglishandEuropeannovels，ingthoseofScott，Dis，Dumaspèreandfil，Hugo，andTolstoy.Ireadtheworksofafewofthenon-andNeo-philosophersofaandmedievaldwasdelightediruismofMoTiauralisticphilosophyofLao-tzeandg-tze.

ThroughthepsofthelateMr.Liangostpowerfulwriteroftheage，IowalittleofsuthinkersasHobbes，Descartes，Rousseau，Bentham，Kant，andDarwin.Mr.LiangwasagreatadmirerofmodererncivilizationandpublishedaseriesofessaysinwhiklyadmittedthattheeseasaracehadsufferedfromthedeplorablelaaspossessedbytheEuropeaablyemphasisonpublicmorality，nationalism，loveofadveihtsandtheeagerhemagainste，loveoffreedom，abilityforself-trol，beliefiepossibilityress，capacityforcorporateanda，aobodilydhealth.Itwastheseessayswhichfirstviolentlyshockedmeoutofthefortabledreamthatouracivilizationwasself-suffidhadnothingtolearaicWestextheonsofwarandvehierce.Theyopeohuhers，airelynewvisionoftheworld.

IalsoreadMr.YenFu’stranslationofJohnStuartMill’sOyaiohics.Mr.Yen’stranslationofHuxley’sessayhadbeenpublishedin1898andhadbeeelyacceptedbythetelligentsiawithaeohaveionsmadeforwiderdistributinhtlawthewasthoughtthattheDarothesis，espeitssodpoliticalappli，wasawelulustoanatifromage-loiaandstagnation.

Inthecourseofafewyearsmaionarytermsandphrasesbecameproverbialexpressionsinthejournalistigsofthetime.Numerouspersoheminnamingthemselvesandtheir，therebyremindiheperilsofeliminatioruggleforexisteionalaswellasindividual.TheoncefamousGeneralg-mingcalledhimself“”

forExistewoofmysatesboretheuralSeleg”

and“StruggleforExisten.”

Evenmyowhegreatvogueofevolutionismina.IrememberdistinctlythemwhenIaskedmysedbrestaliterarynameforme.Aftero’srefle，hesaid，“Howaboutthewordshih[fithephrase‘SurvivaloftheFittest’”

?Iagreedand，firsusingitasanomdeplume，finallyadopteditin1910asmyname.

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MyslightkheevolutionaryhypothesisofDarencerwaseasilylihthenaturalismofsomeoftheaesethinkers.Forexample，itdelightedmyboyishhearttofindanequallyyouthfulcobelieverofover2，ointhefollowingstorytoldize，aspuriousworkoftheTaoistschool:

“TheHouseofTienheldagreatpost-sacrificialfeastatwhichoveathousaswerepresent.Whenfishandwildduckwereofferedthehostsaidwithasigh:‘GreatisNature’skioman!Shehasproduandfishandbirdsfortheuseofman.’ThespeechlaudedbyalltheguestspresehesonoftheHouseofPao，whowasonlytwelveyearsold，steppedforwardandsaid:‘Itisnotso，mylord.Allthebeingsintheuwithmenonabasisofequality.Thereisnonaturalorderofsuperiorityaheydpreyoheronlybyvirtueoftheirsuperithandintelligenospeciesispurposelyproducedforthesakeofaoo，preyohingswhichtheyareabletoquer.HowwesaythatNaturehasproducedthemforourbe?Donotmosquitoessuckourbloodandtigersaourflesh?ShallwesaythatNaturehasproduforthebeofmosquitoesandtigersandwolves?’”

In1906afewofmysatesintheationalInstitutefoundedaperiodicalcalledTheStruggl—aahepopularityoftheDarwiniantheory—whigprimarilyiilliheuedmasses，ublishedinthepeihuaorspokenlanguage.Iwasiributetoitsfirstissue，aerIbecameitssoleeditor.Myeditorialworkonthismagazionlytodevelopanabilityihelivierarymedium，butalsotothinkout，inguageandlogicalorder，theideasandthoughtswhichhadbeentakingshapesincemychildhooddays.Inmanyofmyarticleswrittenfazironglyattackedthesuperstitionsofthepeopleandwasfranklyiodatheistic.

In1908myfamilywasifinancialdifficultybecauseofbusinessfailures.Attheageof17Ifoundmyselffaecessitymyselfatsymotherathome.IgaveupmystudiesandtaughtelementaryEnglishforoverayear，teag5hadayandregamonthlypayof80silverdollars.In1910Itaughtonths.

Thoseyears（1909–1910）weredarkyearsioryofaasersonalhistory.Revolutioinseveralprovindfailedeachtime.QuiteanumberofmyformersatesattheationalInstitute，whichwasaterofrevolutionaryactivities，wereiheseplotsandheirlives.SeveralofthesepoliticalfugitivescametoShanghaiahme.oaik，wrotepessimisticpoetry，talkeddayandnight，andoftengambledfornostakes.Weevenengagedanoldactortoteaging.OneIoemwhiedthisline:“Howproudlydoesthewintryfroststhepowerlessraysofthesun!”

DespondenddrudgerydroveustoallkindsofdissipatihtIgotdeadlydrunk，foughtolithestreet，andlandedmyselfinprisht.WhehemandsawihebruisesohislineinLiPSoomymind:“Someusemightyetbemadeofthismaterialborninme.”

Idecidedtoquitteadmyfriehofhardwork，IweaketheexaminationforthescholarshipfouhereturnedAmeriportionoftheBoxerIy.IpassedtheexaminationandinJulysailedforAmerica.